I forgot
This week I did something I’ve never done before. I absolutely forgot, FORGOT, to show up to a yoga class that I had made a commitment to substitute.
I’ve never done anything like that. I’ve been teaching since 2001 and I have never NOT shown up to a class. I’ve been late to teach less than a handful of times, and I have always called to let people know.
I wrote down the dates in my Google Calendar. I confirmed with the studio owner. We even had conversations about me coming as they were going to be out of town and I would be in charge of signing in students and closing up the studio. I was quite excited to do it actually. The studio owner even sent a very detailed email kindly confirming the different substitute teachers coming in to teach while she was out of town. I browsed at that email, stored away the information that I already knew, and went about my business. I ‘knew’ I had to teach. I really did. Then what in the world happened?
I am now a mother.
I am not using it as an excuse by any means. I just continue to find that motherhood has taken up the majority of my brain. I used to be able to store information in many different parts of my brain, now they get pushed out. I absolutely HAVE to write everything down, plus set up countless reminders for myself, as many ways as I can. I didn’t set up a reminder for teaching yoga BECAUSE I’VE NEVER FORGOTTEN TO GO TEACH! I’ve forgotten to pay bills, I’ve forgotten to send out emails, I’ve forgotten to make phone calls, but never anything to do with teaching yoga 🙁 I was mortified. My stomach was just a huge knot. I so wished to have a really good reason for not showing up. I even conjured up in my head the only reasons I wouldn’t show up to teach without even a phone call, and all the reasons would be awful ones that involved family catastrophe, illness, and *gulp* death.
When you step into the role of mother it’s all encompassing. All the other identities that you had prior to being MOTHER are still there, but in to way are they in any way as clearly formed as they were before. Mother, takes over, and I would venture to say, 50% of the time without me choosing it. Mother power is it’s own energy that overwhelms the others. This energy is imprinted within, and it’s primal resonance at times is palpable. My daughter is 24 weeks, and she needs Mother. I believe as her needs for Mother become less immediate, my brain will begin to open up again to receive input that includes things other than mothering and I may be able to use my brain as I had before. Or…I may just forever rely on some sort of ‘external brain’, such as an iPhone 😉
Yes, you can set boundaries to Mother energy. You can subdue the impulses. You can step away from being Mother, by choosing to close the mind and create space between you and your child and of course mothering. We’ve all seen the Super Mom’s, the ones that do it all. My question is, what is the price we pay using our Will to subdue our innate Mother? Does it thrive optimally if allowed to just pulsate as it does? Would squelching the instincts create less sensitivity as Mother? Just questions to think about.
On the evening of my missed class, during class time, I was making sure that my fiancee was supported. His back ‘went out’ you could say, and he was in a great amount of pain. He couldn’t really do anything but lay down flat in bed, as he had piercing nerve pain if he did anything else. We had gone out earlier in the day and simply watching him get in and out of the car was pretty excruciating. I can’t imagine what it actually felt like 🙁 In order to give him some space to relax into the pain, because there was no getting away from it, my daughter and I went out for a walk. My mind was full of making sure my family was ok, and we all had the space we needed to feel what we needed to. As I got home, I received a phone call from the studio owner. I missed the call, as usually my phone is set to silent and I miss phone calls. I knew when I saw her name why she was calling. My stomach tightened
I let many people down.
I hate that.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry BYS Yoga Studio. You guys are amazing and I apologize for my mistake.
I’m sorry to all those folks that I have not returned emails and phone calls to. I’m sorry to all those folks that I haven’t followed up with for a while. I’m sorry to all those that I’ve committed to do something only to recognize that I am not able to…not right now.
I am Mother and it is good. I’m still getting used to it, as it’s wrecking havoc in me at times, and I’m slowly getting to know how best to navigate this great new world. I am ready and willing to continue to churn, and deeply grateful to get the opportunity of this great blessing.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Mother? Yes! I have been there girl. I have forgotton to go teach. Only once. It was awful. Another time my son was so sick, I couldn’t get a hold of anyone to sub, or anyone to at least put a note on the studio door….I came back to some angry notes in my box from students that had shown up. Still, it’s mortifying. I’m sending compassionate energy your way!
Elsie don’t worry about it too much. I have done the exact same thing once before. We are so busy as mothers trying to make sure everything is running smoothly at home and sometimes there is just no room in your head for other things. You had only your fiancee and your daughter in your thoughts and that I can totally understand. Don’t beat yourself up.. you are only human after all. Sending a cyber hug and hoping your fiancee’s back is healed soon,
Rhoda xx
Elsie, I have never commented before, but I just felt compelled to leave you a little note today. I just completed your Episode 45: Declare your sovereignty class for the 4th of July. It was an amazing class and made me feel so connected to this great country even in these troubled times. So thank you and don’t be too hard on yourself. Namaste, Theresa
Hi, Elsie. This is my 1st time commenting at ur website. I could imagine how it’ll feel too if I would have done the same thing. I felt so sad to see you like this. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. I hope I can help to make you feel better! I have completed most of your podcast episodes & I realize you have done a lot of great things & enlightened people with your fun teaching & powerful words! I love your teachings very very much! You definitely have enlightened me! This unintentional incident has already happened & I think there is no point to feel miserable about it at this point of time. Perhaps you can do something to make it up to the BYS fellas because I truly believe you can do something as you have always enlightened people’s life in your classes! (I am so grateful to Desiree Rumbaugh who has introduced your website to me during one of her workshops I have attended)
Hi Elsie,
This is also my first time commenting on your blog (I’m in your Facebook group) and I want to say: I’ve done it, too and felt the same way. However, I must say that none of my students left angry notes in my pigeon hole. They accepted a free pass from the gym or went to another class. Saucha, ahimsa, santosha!
The thing is, we’re human, we’re not perfect and we try to be there 99% of the time, but occasionally, we can’t.
Any one who’s had some exposure to you and your work can see that you are dedicated, devoted, and sincere. I can see that and I live in Outback Australia!
Forgive yourself and let it go. You are sincere and honest.
Om shanti shanti shanti
Girl i now what it feels to be a mom, and we all make mistakes, so dont worry, we have to learn from our mistakes. I wish you the best always, and relax… Enjoy ok?
Thank you guys!!!! I’m so happy to hear from all of you ‘lurkers’ 🙂 Man was it tough. My ego took a big blow 😉 I’ve settled inside my own heart and hope to make sure I take care of business in a new way now days…Sticky notes for days! It surely was a learning experience.
I so appreciate all of your support and look forward to hearing from y’all again 🙂
Oh sweet pea, you show up in more ways than you know. I don’t say thank you enough. Take it easy on yourself. Thanks for all you do. xo
I totally get it. This is the worst. I hate it. I have forgotten stuff since having kids. I think we push have our memory out with the kids.
You show up for me every Tues. and Thurs. without fail though.
I did my Toastmaster’s Speech Body Talk titled Yoga: Love Your Body yesterday. I mentioned you in it. Won 1st place: Here’s the YouTube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkQDjaNNnNQ
Im not a teacher, but i am a mother, a lover, a woman, a friend, a student, a sister, a supervisor and self proclaimed warrior of the world lol. You are human and I know you know that. You have the best intentions and I k now they know that. Im sure there were some grumpy people but thats ok. Just be sweet to yourself. You already have all the tools….
I’m also a lurker…and love your sites and sequences. I’m also an Anusara teacher and a new mama — and KNOW this feeling well of having forgotten something epic. I am sure you’ve recovered from that agony by now, but I wanted to send you love anyway. The Momnesia gets better, over time. My son is 18 months old now, and I’m still nursing, still not sleeping well, still reconstructing the body and the practice and the life. Patiently, with so much love. All mamas now have a total free pass from me, no matter how young their babes may be! So here’s to turning our mistakes into enlightenment.
Love and Devotion,
Liz
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